I started this blog back in 2011, inspired off my 1 year of sobriety at that point. I was advised that keeping a journal of my thoughts would be a great idea. A way to get the stuff going on inside of me, out of me. The fact that almost 9 years later this blog and myself have evolved into something and someone that helps people is a blessing. I can dwell on the list of misfortunes that would make anyone want a drink… or ten, like the emotional drain of watching my mother’s memories dissolve from Alzheimer’s. Maybe the hidden trauma from being stabbed, robbed and almost dying in a fire followed by incarceration. I can dwell… but in all reality that would deem me ungrateful. Reason being that no matter what problems I have in my own life they’d be 10 times amplified if I was still chained to the bottle.
There is no ending to this book I call my sober life. As explained in the previous chapters (Reminder to the non- Alcoholics, Entry 39), there is no such thing as a recovered or recovering alcoholic. We are alcoholics, that either still drink or are dry or sober. The alcoholic gene is within us and mine lays dormant. It can only become a live life destroying monster if I add one drop of alcohol to it. My job is to never add that life altering 40 proof shot to the sleeping monster.
I’m grateful and have many reasons to be the thankful sober me. The sober me scored and excelled in the corporate world for 6 years for one of the biggest companies in Canada. The sober me created music that accumulated fans and touched people who have related to my tragic and triumphant story. I didn’t become the Jay-Z level rapper that I wanted to but I’ve had someone tell me that my music helped him when he was homeless. That touched me, especially knowing that the music was created while sober. The sober emcee created a podcast that with my co host has become a staple in the Canadian music scene and we make history weekly. Who wouldn’t be grateful? With all that positive energy anything negative in my life is easy to mute, or easier to turn down the volume a bit.
Therefore there is no end, there is no final chapter. Just evolution. The only one who can end the book is me by having that one drink. One drop can wash away years of accomplishments and positive motion. I can never say never, because it’s one day at a time. And I’ll never say that I didn't have a good time back when I was getting drunk because those times were legendary. One thing I can say is I never want to lose and so far I’ve gained way more than I’ve lost in my sober life. I’m aware I came a long way and have much more of an internal journey to travel but in the words of the late great Nipsey Hu$$le “If you don't know your full-throttle history, the whole story of how you came to where you are, it's kind of hard to put things together.”